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I keep going through the text conversation from yesterday and I’m reading over and over trying to piece together exactly what it was I missed and how it got so discombobulated.  I knew he was mad about the cold shoulder and my reaction and expected the attitude.  I think back and try to replay what it was that triggered my reaction.  Not just the initial frustration and disappointment but the jerking away and rolling over when he seemed adamant about kissing me.  As he grabbed my face to kiss me, which I know I didn’t imagine and pushed back on my shoulder as he did.  His anger clearly in the forcefulness of his kisses just put me off, pissed me off even more.  How dare he be mad at me because I was upset and trying to act like I wasn’t.  But to turn it around and tell me my daughter is fragile and I cant treat her like that in front of him??  Treat her like what exactly?  I yelled, “Get the fuck away from my door”  How exactly did I treat her with that comment?  And why did I apologize for it?  Only to be told to Go fuck  myself and find another man.  And the more I read through the conversation the more I get mad.  Because this isn’t the first time he’s said it in a fit of anger.  And I’m sure down the road when he’s angry again he will say it again if it suits him.

Just like picking up his fucking phone when we are messing around.  Even after I’ve had that conversation with him. What possesses someone to be in the middle of receiving oral sex or kissing even and to pick up his phone?  Not to say that my skills are so amazing he should be thoughtless but really?  If you are not interested or its not good enough or you’re too distracted by whatever is going on on your phone then by all means let me know.

But somehow, its all my fault.  I’m the bitch and I did wrong and apologizing wasn’t enough and only seemed to piss him off more.

I think about not being with him.  I think about life without him.  Him not coming to the apartment.  Not shopping.  Not watching t.v. and cuddling in bed and all the things we do as a couple.  And at first my heart aches. Literally, my chest hurts and I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.   Almost like he is an addiction.  But then I think…is this how I want to be treated?  I cant clean around him because its on his time and the kids should do it all.  The kids cant have company because its too many kids for him and he doesn’t like it.  He complains about the lack of respect and consideration from the kids, which I tend to agree with, but yet my kids are the ones who rally to cheer me up and take care of me when they know I’m not happy.  They bought me roses and chocolate and pizza last night trying to cheer me up.  My kids are good kids.  They can be lazy and yes even inconsiderate at times but they don’t do it maliciously or with intent to harm.  They simply don’t realize what they’re doing.

His excuses for not being ready to move in, which was never a hot point for me anyway, are based in my kids inability to keep the apartment clean enough, lights turned off, tvs turned off when not in use and the fact that right now I have a homeless 19 year old staying with me temporarily.  Now, again, I am not pushing for him to move in.  He has always been told when he is ready he is welcome.  He was the one to initiate the whole conversation that we should talk about living together.  But to tell me you’re not ready because of things you know wont change.  They have been as they are for however long and you see how its been the last 11 months.  What makes you think that at this point in time things are going to be any different?  What makes you think that you “moving in” is going to change the dynamics?  And then there is the fear that if he does move in does he think some magical shift is going to occur and the kids will see him differently or act differently?  Or that he will have any  more power or pull than he does now?  What exactly does he think will happen if he’s there those other 2 nights that doesn’t happen on the 5 he’s already there??

So many questions, not enough answers.  Or maybe I do have the answers but I don’t want to acknowledge them.

We haven’t said anything to each other since yesterday early afternoon.  And I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing at this point because honestly, I don’t know if I’m ready to talk to him.  I don’t know what it is I need to say at this point.  I’m still very hurt and angry.

He made the comment that with every petty argument it makes it easier for him to walk away.  And he said that if my behavior toward my daughter happened a couple more times that he would be done.  So, he spent the first half of the relationship doing that and now he’s right back to it.  If if if…..if you’re looking for reasons and excuses to walk away don’t wait for me to give you one.  Just do it.  Because honestly, you can tell me its not a threat but you know the fact that you say its not means we both know that it is.  So you’re right back to trying to dictate to me what is and isn’t acceptable behavior after 11 months.  I would think that after this amount of time you would know what, who, how and why I am.  But yet…you seem to think ultimatums and threats are still the way to go.  I guess looking back they’ve worked for you so far…..you either talk to me or I’m picking up my stuff.  You either get the extra kids out of the house or I wont come around as much.  The kids have to shape up or I cant move in.  I can understand people have their expectations and limitations, requirements, wants and needs but seriously……what you see is what you get.