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Sex has always been difficult for me.  And what I mean by that is…orgasm.  Sex is actually quite easy.  And rather enjoyable.  But actually having an orgasm from it was almost impossible.  So, manual or oral stimulation is required to get me there.  And usually I don’t complain.  I know how frustrating it can be for men when I don’t get off on their dick.  Regardless of what they try.  So I try to keep it to myself when all is said and done and I’m still not satisfied.  Don’t get me wrong…I enjoy the hell out of sex.  Especially with my partner, but once he’s done I am still swollen and hot n bothered with no relief in sight, at least, those times when he doesn’t go down on me.  And  know its my fault for not saying something…

So, I found myself very sexually frustrated last night after having sex the last 5+/- times with no release whatsoever.  I knew he wasn’t into it.  So I asked him to touch me.  I rarely ask for anything, ever.  I reacted badly when he was more interested in seeing if he had remembered putting all his lunch in the fridge.  I tried to regroup by the time he came back in the room.  He came back in, stripped down, got back into bed and of course started with the..whats wrong bs.  Yes I was frustrated but tried to move on.  Cuddled up into him as usual and kissed him.  I don’t remember if she tried to come in the room before or after he was forcefully kissing me.  But regardless, what started out as a good day ended as an awful night of nightmares and little sleep for today to begin at 5 am sharp.  He got up after I went pee, got dressed and packed and left.

And the text messages began around 7.  Hes furious and wants to play it off like hes mad about how I yelled at her for trying to come in the room at 10 to 11.  Of course he says hes mad about the way I treated both of them.  OK.  We end up going back and forth and eventually it gets to a point where I just stop replying.  When I did calm a bit I apologized for my behavior only to be told to go fuck myself….for the 2nd time.  And I find myself wondering why I always have to be the sane one.  The calm one.  Why am I ok with being called a lying sack of shit?  Why am I allowing the attitude and machismo?  Why does he seem to feel its some kind of competition about who has the biggest balls?  Why does he seem to need to establish himself as the alpha and I’m supposed to fall in line?

What I got from him today was simply, if I don’t like it you cant do it and if you do it I’m done.  I’m trying to figure out exactly where I want to be.  Can I live like this on a full time basis?  We were talking about him living here last week.  Then he decides hes not ready for all sorts of reasons and none at all.  He has been here long enough to know how things are.  And he should have enough understanding at this point to know its not going to change much.  Regardless of what he would like to see happen.  Whats the point?  Dictating terms and expecting change that wont happen simply means he will always have his box.  If that’s the case, to what end are we working?

I made the comment that our highs are high and our lows are very low.  We need a stable ground to meet on.  Ups n downs are too much.  And his threats, that he says aren’t, are getting old.  If you truly aren’t happy, if this truly is too much for you then why?  I am not going to beg anyone to love me for what and who I am.  I am not perfect.  I have feelings and a temperament.  I calm down fairly quickly and I’m usually careful not to say something harmful because while its just words, they do stick with a person.  Granted, with every argument and conflict hes learning and getting better, his anger is nasty.  And his pride and ego just make it worse. I try to be rational, logical.  Explain why and how so he can understand where I’m coming from.  But that seems to piss him off more.  So its a no win situation.  And I have to keep asking myself….Can I do this?  Do I want this?  Is this healthy?  What happens when we are both calm and talking?  Things shift with every argument.  Every disagreement.  Will we be able to see each other and be ok?  Should we be?