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My oldest is 21.  Ive written of him and our issues several times over the years.  He is now expecting a child with the “crazy bitch” that is more than likely actually his.  I have not seen my granddaughter(who isnt his by any means possible, but he takes her as his) since he left in October.  What little contact we had last, in November, was very nasty.  Since then I have tried to ignore the fact that he is where he is with who he is and hoped that at some point he would mature a little and learn some respect.

Last month “crazy bitch” messaged my daughters telling them, ” if you mom cares, shes going to be a grandma again.”  Not, hey your going to be an aunt again or we’re having another baby, but directed the notification at me specifically through them.  She keeps somewhat in contact with the girls again since theyre excited and want to have involvement with their neice and now nephew to be.  I dont hold it against them or give them too much grief about it.  Their relationship has nothing to do with ours.

Every day I ask myself, should I be the bigger person?  Let go of all the animosity and resentment and anger from the years of manipulation and of being used and stolen from and lied to?  Should I let it all go and just be happy for him.  Act as if shes never said any of the stuff shes said.  Act as if hes never said any of the stuff hes said.  Can I?  Can I accept the fact that hes disresepctful and acts as if hes completely innocent and that everything thats wrong is my fault.  I dont know if I can swallow all of that and still be okay with him and her.

I specifically made efforts not to get too close to my grand daughter because I couldnt tolerate the mother.  And because the relationship with my son was so strained as it was.  Why get attached to a child I will rarely see, if at all?  I already knew that she would come and go and use the child to manipulate my son further and that was behavior I could never tolerate or forgive.  But, is it mine to hold against her?  Hes the one whos chosen to allow her to behave that way.  Hes the one who has to live with her and raise the children with her, somehow.  Its his life.  Why let it bother me so much that I dont get to see my son or grandchildren?

Honestly, Id like to say Im better than that.  But Im not.  I cant seem to let go of all the bullshit through the years and just take it a day at a time.  And I dont know why.  I guess because I cant be fake.  I cant put a smile on and be nice just so I can benefit.  I would rather suffer the loss than be someone I am not.  Pretend I am okay with something or someone when I am not.  I just dont know how to be that person.

How can I be that way with my own son?  How can he treat me as he does and be okay with that?!  How canhe allow her to treat me tha tway and be okay with that?! I just dont understand and Ive no idea how to fix it or if I should even bother.  Ive reached the point where Im just waiting him out I guess.  Hoping that one day he will reflect back, understand and realize why.  And maybe Im wrong for that.  I dont know.  I miss him.  And yes, my granddaughter too.  But not enough to allow myself to be treated that way just to be involved.