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I’m feeling rather lonely today. I’ve been keeping in contact with Tiny 1 and Tiny 2 in FL, as always, and a friend here in NC who got very sick last week and then vanished. Then today I got a vague apology email from him about how he didn’t mean to hurt me and he’s sorry he has some things to deal with and he needs time. I wasnt exactly sure how to take that email since we havent met in person and are just friends as far as I knew. Of course, in my naiveté I immediately get concerned for him. And then I start thinking ok, well, it’s probably just someone else and that’s his way of saying he’s leaving. I dunno…but being here in NC alone isn’t easy. The ex is still close by, but we have closed those doors now so its awkward for us. Its different not having anyone to talk to or visit. Its lonely. And all I can think is…is it me? Have I such a personality that I can’t make friends? Am I so difficult? Am I so closed off and private? What to do what to do….I am happy with the person I am. I think, for the most part, I am a good person. I try to treat others as I would want to be treated and I try to raise my kids that way. I try to do the right things and say th right things and I try. Sometimes you just have to stop and wonder why you’re trying…..is it really worth all the effort anymore? Wouldnt it be easier just to not have to try to just be? I’m tired of hurting and crying and being lonely and sick and depressed. I just want to be happy…why cant I be happy? I like my job and co workers and bosses even! I dislike not having a car, but I know it’s just a matter of time. I dislike this math class, but its only 6 weeks! I can do this! I am rambling..my heads a jumble today…and I cant seem to get anything out in any kind of order or make sense of anything…I froze my stupid soda again..left it in the freezer too long. And, it looks like I have to make a trip to Savannah, GA alone this weekend..yippee! Lucky me. 5 hours times 2 to sit and think and obsess and sing to the radio and drink soda, which is going to hurt me later…No one said life is easy or fair..but for once it would be nice if it would just be simple. No nastygrams from the landlord, no emotional distractions from the ex, no abandonment by new friends no nothing..just simple. Apparently, I’m nuts to want that…

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