Saturday night we both come to bed after 2 a.m. You lay down and turn Netflix on on your phone and begin to watch. I scoot over to you on the edge of the bed and proceed to poke n tickle and try to guage your mood. Then I just flat out tell you I want sex. Your comment, “Im sorry” That coupled with the lack of sex, and this morning when I got into bed and again scooted to you on your side you instantly roll away from me onto your side, makes me wonder whats going on with you. It seems like your actually avoiding sex. Only a few reasons someone would do that and I dont like any of them.
As I lay there this morning trying to spend time with you, while you had your back to me the entire time, I kept thinking, nothing has changed, and it isnt going to. Can I live like this? And I dont think I can. I know I cant. I know I know this because I have found myself looking at apartments and trying to work things out in my head. Can I afford to keep the kids on financial aid or should I send them to their dads. Do I wait until I am ready to move out to send them or do I send them sooner? And its all these things in my head that tend to leave me in limbo because ultimately, I know me. I hate change. And I already know that without my kids, I would probably get up long enough to do school work and then lay in bed and wither…until I actually adjusted, I hope.
You want to be who you are and how you are without any regard for me and my wants and needs. Im sorry, thats not how it works, when you actually care that is. I have compromised and denied and ignored my needs and wants to the point where Im jsut here. Im frustrated and miserable and Im aggravated. I dont want to be this way anymore. Im actually relatively happy with in the day to day with the kids. We have our routines down so far and we are all getting along great. Your here..and thats about the extent of it. I think you know as well as I do where this is going. I think you know as well as I do that this isnt what either of us want. I think it sounds good, and it seems like it should work betwen us, but it doesnt. I hope one day you do find that person who makes you want to be more. Im sorry its not me.