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Well, my boyfriend and I have been together since about Thanksgiving last year.  We’ve been living together since March or April I guess.  Well, that’s when he let go of his place, he was always at my place so it seemed to make sense.  About that time I decided I was ready to get out of Florida..he obliged  me without hesitation.  In May we moved to North Carolina.  I lived in PA for 6 months back in 1996, but other than that I have always lived in Florida.  It’s a major change!  And a huge leap of faith on my part. 

He just came out of a divorce from his wife of 13+ years when she decided to leave him.  I had been divorced for about 5 years or so.  I love him, very much.   And I understand he’s slow to express emotions…if at all.  He says he’s more of the “actions for words” type a guy, which is awesome as it goes with my favorite saying “Actions speak louder than words”  But his lack of words and his actions do not help me in my insecurity at all.  Especially lately. 

I’m not sure why I’m so insecure, except that I am.  Maybe it stems from not having a job and being completely dependent on him until I find one or maybe it’s because I have a hard time with not touching him all the time and he seems to care les one way or the other.  I’ve had several conversations with him, and he has actually made efforts to kiss me more and to hug me back and what not, but for some reason, it’s not helping me much.  I understand he’s stressed out with work and supporting all of us and with the relocation and all the expenses and costs.  Its taking its toll…I wish I could do more to relieve some of the stress on him…we both know its temporary and in the next month should be just fine, but its the getting there that’s like uugghhh for us both…

I have to remind myself that at any given point he could have simply decided to move on his own.  I replay the conversation between him and my mom where she was quizzing him.  He very carefully avoided the word love but made it clear he cares for me and my kids and understands the position he is in with our relationship and accepts it willingly. 

I think I keep relating his position to one I have been in many times in my past relationships.  Me the sole bread-winner and supporting me, my kids, him and his kids…why I always seemed to find these guys, and actually supported them is beyond me..but I know how I felt after a period of time.  I would grow to resent them and be angry and frustrated..and eventually we would split.  I don’t want that to happen to us.  I understand where he is and I don’t want him to get to that point where he has had enough.  I want to contribute and be “partners”, keep us on equal ground if I can so that there is not hurt feelings, on either part.

Seems like my insecurities stem more from me then him….now to see if I can try to get them solved as best I can as quickly as I can!  I just wish he was a little more outwardly affectionate with me.  I wouldn’t feel so emotionally and physically needy on top of all the insecurities Im harboring…

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