Pain, anger and sorrow

As I read back over my last post, and I sit her tonight, I wish I had the same conviction I did then.  The last 2 weeks have been hell.  It feels like a tug of war between my head and heart and it hurts.

I still refuse to cry.  I still have to remind myself why we are where we are today.  I still have to tell myself, this is for the greater good.

I love you. I probably always will.  I know you love me.  Love wasn’t the issue.

Thinking back over the last month, I noticed things that I should have caught at the time. Like how you would say, If I didn’t love you so much I would have left a long time ago, or If we ever split, I’m not going into anymore relationships, or how you were still actively looking at places to move to, regardless of whether it was for us or you.  Or how when you came back the last time you said you didn’t ever want to leave me in a bad way.  Like you were here out of guilt.  Looking back, taking it all into consideration and analyzing what went so fucking wrong…the only answer I can come up with is you wanted out, and you just didn’t have the balls to say so.  So you put me in a position to make you leave.  You made me the bad guy.  Made me do the dirty work.

There seemed to be a lot of resentment and anger.  I’m not sure how much was the steroids and how much was actually genuine.  Does it matter anymore?  You couldn’t be bothered.

I worry about you.  Did you find a place?  Are you eating?  Are you ok?  And Im angry.  How dare you leave like that.  Breaking promises and actually trying to hurt me.

I actually think about us being together again and I cant see it.  How do we come back and act like its ok, but its not.  SO much resentment…from both of us.

For so long you were my happy place.  And that’s ruined.  Gone.  Lost.  It hurts too much.  Everything we fought so hard for, just vanished.

Talking with Kac in the car this weekend and she surprised me.  She said, Z wasn’t a bad person.  He actually cared and he tried, when he wasn’t angry.  But he was an asshole the way he left.  The fact that she wasn’t flat out hateful surprised me.  I fully expected her to be glad he was gone.  Kind of shook me a little.

God I miss you.  I miss laying in bed with you and your arms around me.  I miss all the things we did and wont ever do again.  I miss so much and I know this too will pass.  Time.  I have to just give it time.  Life goes on.